'Dodger hater' David Cameron closes Burton's Biscuit factory, Uncle Joe's to follow?

In a bid to combat increasing obesity levels and wipe out his least favourite biccie in one go, David Cameron has issued an order forcing the closure of Burton's Foods in Moreton, Wirral.

The factory, which produces more than fifteen Jammy Dodgers and Wagon Wheels per day –a figure devastated in recent years by lean jam harvests– will soon become as derelict the Littlewoods Building and the Old Swan roundabout after yet another impromptu Mancunian invasion.

Since an early age, I have held a great hatred for this so-called 'jam'. Unlike other, tastier confectionery products, it is incredibly sweet and can cause tooth decay. Whatever happened to good old Broccoli Biccies or Carrot Golden Crunchies? Now there was a healthy biscuit you could consume safe in the knowledge you weren't eating yourself to a sugary death. – David Cameron, quoted in the Daily Sport

But not everyone shares the PM's love of the veggie biscuit. In fact, it seems Cameron is the only person ever to mention such a thing, leading to claims he is 'completely bonkers' and 'a raging southern loony'. Biccie lovers are clubbing together (groan) to raise awareness of the Keep Burton's Open online petition, which has so far garnered more than twenty messages of support, fourteen of which from Wayne Rooney.

We have irrefutable evidence that Mr Cameron intends to close all northern factories one by one. Today it's Burton's, tomorrow it may be the Newcastle Brown Ale factory and the day after that, who knows? Not even Uncle Joe's are safe. – Alf Hart, spokesperson for the Anti Anything Cameron Does Coalition

While the full extent of Cameron's anti-northern sentiment has yet to be exhibited (thought Mr Hart may beg to differ), one thing's for certain: this is one sticky situation Burton's would be jammy to get out of.

[ Is punched in gut ]

I say it's just because Tony Blair (above right) was a Dodger lover. Serves them right, anyway, for reducing the size of Wagon Wheels. These modern mouse-sized portions pale in comparison! – Bob Freegun, bloke int' street