A special message from the British Government

Hey, you there! Are you up to your waist in debt? Are you so poor that tramps refuse to give you the time of day? Then consider selling your body to medical science, pay off those pesky debts and help the United Kingdom recover from all its financial problems today!

Don't just take it from me, read some of these fantastic reviews written by Amazon rejects who now post angry messages about how much Peter Kay's latest DVD sucks on Facebook.

I sold my eyeballs to Manchester General and never looked back. ~ One Eyed Jack

I donated a horse's head and pretended it was mine. I don't think they noticed the difference, but I'm laying low whilst simultaneously living the high life here in Hamilton, Bermuda, so don't tell anyone, eh? ~ Shergar

After giving my right arm for another packet of cigarettes, I can buy all the fags I want because I'm going to die from the blood loss anyway! Hm, should have gone to a reputable surgeon instead of that bloke down a back alley. Still, I regret noth- *blurgh* ~ Fred (deceased)

We couldn't find any more living or cohesive people to interview, but never mind, because limb removal operations are 100% safe and free via back alley surgeons. Give blood? Forget that, give your stomach today and get ££££s!

Current going rates:

• Fingernails: £0.001 each
• Lungs: £3 (non-smoker) or a packet of chocolate buttons (smoker)
• Teeth: One Facebook add each
  
• Whole body: Half a carrot stick and three dog hairs from the corner of the kitchen
  

Contact your local hospital or newsagent for the full list and the very latest exchange rates.